Sunday.

I wake up thinking that this week will be better.

This week, we will be able to stay through all our meetings.

Kai will let us leave him in nursery.

Cal will magically fall asleep in my arms during Sacrament meeting.

The bag of tricks and treats I bring will keep them quietly occupied.

I will be able to listen.

Dal will be able to sit next to me, and not out in the hall.

This week, the man in front of us won't glare at me, making me question my mothering skills.

I won't leave church feeling like a complete failure because my kids don't think reverence is cool.

But no.

This week it didn't happen, last week it sure didn't happen, and the week before, yeah right!

Instead the hubs gets a new calling, and I get two.

It is easier to stay home.

They get their naps, don't have to share nursery toys and germs, sit still, or be quiet.

But no.

I still continue to hope.

I know it is just a phase.

We will continue to drag our little boys to church every. single. week.

Because next week will be better...

Baby Graham

This was an experience I never want to forget. 

I had the opportunity to spend the night with baby Graham at Primary Children's Hospital so his mommy could go home. I have prayed for this little baby who is fighting cancer every day, and was anxious to help in any way I could. I had been up to take Sadie lunch before, so I knew some of what I was up for mentally, but not spiritually.  I had freshly washed every piece of my clothing and body. I did not want to be the one who got this little guy sick. When it came time for me to head to the hospital, I was so nervous.  What if something went wrong? I prayed for comfort. 

The minute I pulled into the parking lot, sick children and grieving parents were everywhere. As I had to follow a crying mother into the hospital, the tears started to flow. Riding in the elevator with a lady who was on the phone so discouraged made me want to hug her and take some of her pain away.  Had I really been complaining about having to change 12 diapers that day?

I made my way to ICS and scrubbed down my hands and arms, then added two helpings of hand sanitizer. I put my mask on, and was greeted by Sadie and sweet Graham. I felt like I would need a class on how to hold him so I didn't mess up his feeding tube or line. Sadie left me with a few instructions, and handed baby Graham off to me. She had just told me that they have an extra blanket in the closet if this one falls on the floor, and if his binki fell on the ground it needed to be washed really well with hot, soapy water. Within seconds of her handing him over to me, his blanket fell on the ground, and just as she was heading out the door, so did the binki. Just my luck. I swear, I have held a baby before! 

We spent the evening watching Baby Einstein's, looking out the window, and rocking. He is so mellow and calm. There was an overwhelming feeling of peace in the room. I know he has angels watching over him. As I rocked him to sleep, I couldn't help but study the perfect little baby, who was fighting for his life. I only had to watch him get two shots, some oral meds, and having dinner given to him through a tube, but that about killed me. I don't know how Sadie does it. My favorite thing about him was the way he would hold his special blanket over his head to hide any time a nurse or doctor came into the room. Poor boy has had to deal with them way too much. 

This experience changed me.  It has inspired me to be more proactive in serving others. When we were at the benefit dinner for Graham a few weeks ago, I couldn't believe how far they had come. I cried through the entire thing, and could barely touch my food. I need to celebrate each day, and not take our health for granted. 

Spending the time I did with Graham did more for me than it could have ever done for his family. It really helped put things into perspective for me. I am so thankful that Graham is improving every day, and after spending so many months in the hospital, they are now home. I was telling Sadie that I couldn't believe how strong she has been through all of this. She said, "You don't think you are strong, until being strong is your only choice." I hope that I could be the kind of mother she has been if a trial like this ever comes our way.

Go Baby Graham!

You can donate to the Graham Schanz foundation at www.helpgraham.org.

Skeletons

All I wanted was a picture of the boys in their skeleton p.j/costumes. 

They saw the camera and started running away. 

Cal stepped on Kai's toe, so of course Kai hit him in the face. At least he tried to hug and kiss it better. 

These are some pretty cute little skeletons, if you ask me! 

Happy Halloween!

Naptime

During naptime I like to go check on the boys, cover them up, and give them kisses while they peacefully slumber. Today when I went in, Kai wasn't in his bed.

I guess hiding behind the table eating cookie dough is more fun than taking a nap. 

Home

I finally feel like I am "home." After being here for two months, I would have to say that I feel settled. Settled in more than one way. Moving away from the people and place that was comfortable, to a place where I don't know one person, has forced me to put myself out there in a whole new way.  A way that takes me back to the insecure days of junior high. "Hi, wanna be my friend?" Pretty pathetic.

Since life during the day is often lonely for me, I have really dived into motherhood, in a new way. Reading books, playing hide and seek, watching the Disney channel, and playing at the park fill my days at a new level now. These little boys have become my best friends. I have two little shadows who love me unconditionally. They don't care if my clothes aren't fashion forward, or even if I haven't showered. I have traded in my black skirts and heals for sweats and tenni's. Sweat outfits have become my new mom uniform, and I don't know of a better uniform that I could wear.


Not only do I feel like I am home, as in we now have one, but I also feel like I have become more at home with myself. It has become very clear to me that my calling in life is not going to be owning a high-end salon in downtown SLC. My calling is to be a mom. Poopy diapers, sippy re-fills, naptimes, sleepless nights, sticky kisses, and all. When I think that my life couldn't be any more monotonous, and that my kids couldn't be any more needy, I think of those who would kill to have a life like mine. I think of those mothers who have dreamed their whole lives about having two little boys who demand their constant attention. Motherhood is a gift. I have one shot at this, and I don't get a do-over. I have been thinking a lot about the quote from  David O. McKay. He said, "The greatest work we will ever do is within the walls of our own home."


I often need a reality check to remember what matters. If I can rest my head at night knowing that I did my best for my kids that day, then I am doing my job. I have a lot of learning to do, but I am finding true joy in the journey of discovering myself in motherhood. I hope you are too.

Dads

I love my dad. Since, he is cool and reads my blog, I thought he deserved a shout out! My dad has always wanted to be involved in anything that I'm doing.  I thought that once I got married and had one baby, and then another that we might be un-invited to any family vacations. I was wrong. My dad always includes and spoils us.  Over Memorial Day weekend, he took us to St. George to play with them. 

 He is the best "pa" and can't get enough of my boys. He loves and respects my husband like a son. He makes an effort to call me, and check in on us. He makes me feel safe. Dal and I are constantly asking for his valued opinion. I always know that I can count on my dad. 

Dad's are the best. 

That brings me to Dallin. 

The daddy to my babies. 

The love of my life.

People often tell me that Dallin is the most hands-on dad they have ever seen. It's true. He has a deep love for his boys, and for spending time with them. I love watching him come up with fun little games and activities for them to do together. He will involve them in anything he is doing. He is tender....

and FUN!

We love daddy Dal!

I'm so thankful that my boys have such great people to look up to as their Dad and Grandpa!

Happy Father's Day!

9 months

This little guy just turned nine months old. He fills our house and hearts with love, 

and I really don't know what I would do without him. 

I am crazy about his long eye lashes,  his obsession with his big brother, and his funny army crawl. He has about 8 teeth now,  pulls himself up to anything he can get his hands on, pretty much refuses baby food, and will only drink a cold bottle. He loves to be tickled, and his funny laugh makes everyone laugh. 

Cal is so easy going. Sometimes I feel bad that I don't get to spend more time holding him, but I love every minute that I get to be with him. He is growing up too fast. I think I fall more in love with this little guy every day.